Fake Tan Fashion
January 3rd 2008 07:12
Have you noticed all the orange about lately? I’m not talking about the hideous fluoro orange that is still assaulting us visually alongside the other iridescent fashion atrocities of late. I’m talking about the orange people. They’re everywhere! Whilst I acknowledge the joys of a bronzed body, I cannot condone the fake tans that are being sported about town. As the sun comes out in the southern hemisphere, so does the skin, and ladies, I hate to say it, but it seems a few pointers are in order.
Firstly, fake tanning is not when you should be thinking cheap and cheery. Take the time and the cash to buy a fake tan that isn’t going to make you look like you overdosed on the vitamin C. Or that makes you smell funny. They are out there, you just have to look, and you may not find them at Coles. That said, I have seen the Dove Body Glow work wonders for many an almost-albino.
Secondly, take the time to do your tan properly. A rush job equals a botch job when you’re dealing with sun in a bottle. As tempting as it is, don’t try to smother it on before you run out the door. After dedicating enough time not only to apply it evenly, you then have the unfortunate situation (although not for your boyfriend) of having to wander about naked for a bit while the tan sinks in.
Another fake tanning crime seems to be forgetting that you also have a head. The biggest mistake girls used to make was not blending their foundation into their necks, which equalled big orange faces and a lily-white décolletage. Now the reverse is true. Girls will happily tan themselves up to their jaw line and then just stop. We are not Geishas. A stark white face is not a good look. I recently visited the Opera Bar for what I was hoping would be a relaxing cocktail only to be confronted with a bevy of teenage girls who must have been graduating from high school or similar, of which 90% had lily white faces caked with makeup and the rest of their greatly exposed bodies were browner than James Brown. Many also had streaky legs which takes us back to pointer #1, and I silently cursed their mothers and their so-called friends on their behalf for allowing them not only to leave the house in such a state, but for letting them be photographed and no doubt later haunted by their orange-ness for all eternity.
Finally, if you know deep down that you’re too impatient to spend the time applying your golden tan properly, not to mention waiting for the gradual tan to develop, think spray booth. These things are a girl’s best friend. No more standing starkers for half an hour in front of a beautician who sprays you with what looks like a paint gun, no more enduring the humiliation of then being blow-dried, and no more fury when you discover you still have streak marks down your fingers despite all the suffering in just your knickers, or less. Spray booths are made for one. You’re alone, and no one can see how ridiculous you look with your silly shower cap on and with your creamed up palms and feet. You’re in and out in about 60 seconds, and you then get to walk out without anyone seeing your boobs or being close enough to your bikini line to estimate how long to go until your next wax. Not to mention it covers you in your wholeness, so there is no white face attached to your otherwise bronzed body.
I am begging you ladies, take heed! Orange may be in, but not when it comes to your skin. Having a tan is a great confidence booster, it evens out your skin tone, reduces the appearance of cellulite, and when the sun is shining, unless you’re Dita Von Teese, most clothes look better on skin with a bit of colour. That said, you don’t want to look like an old football at forty, so a sunless tan is ideal, and preferably one from a spray booth, because only Oompa Loompas were meant to be orange.
Firstly, fake tanning is not when you should be thinking cheap and cheery. Take the time and the cash to buy a fake tan that isn’t going to make you look like you overdosed on the vitamin C. Or that makes you smell funny. They are out there, you just have to look, and you may not find them at Coles. That said, I have seen the Dove Body Glow work wonders for many an almost-albino.
Secondly, take the time to do your tan properly. A rush job equals a botch job when you’re dealing with sun in a bottle. As tempting as it is, don’t try to smother it on before you run out the door. After dedicating enough time not only to apply it evenly, you then have the unfortunate situation (although not for your boyfriend) of having to wander about naked for a bit while the tan sinks in.
Another fake tanning crime seems to be forgetting that you also have a head. The biggest mistake girls used to make was not blending their foundation into their necks, which equalled big orange faces and a lily-white décolletage. Now the reverse is true. Girls will happily tan themselves up to their jaw line and then just stop. We are not Geishas. A stark white face is not a good look. I recently visited the Opera Bar for what I was hoping would be a relaxing cocktail only to be confronted with a bevy of teenage girls who must have been graduating from high school or similar, of which 90% had lily white faces caked with makeup and the rest of their greatly exposed bodies were browner than James Brown. Many also had streaky legs which takes us back to pointer #1, and I silently cursed their mothers and their so-called friends on their behalf for allowing them not only to leave the house in such a state, but for letting them be photographed and no doubt later haunted by their orange-ness for all eternity.
Finally, if you know deep down that you’re too impatient to spend the time applying your golden tan properly, not to mention waiting for the gradual tan to develop, think spray booth. These things are a girl’s best friend. No more standing starkers for half an hour in front of a beautician who sprays you with what looks like a paint gun, no more enduring the humiliation of then being blow-dried, and no more fury when you discover you still have streak marks down your fingers despite all the suffering in just your knickers, or less. Spray booths are made for one. You’re alone, and no one can see how ridiculous you look with your silly shower cap on and with your creamed up palms and feet. You’re in and out in about 60 seconds, and you then get to walk out without anyone seeing your boobs or being close enough to your bikini line to estimate how long to go until your next wax. Not to mention it covers you in your wholeness, so there is no white face attached to your otherwise bronzed body.
I am begging you ladies, take heed! Orange may be in, but not when it comes to your skin. Having a tan is a great confidence booster, it evens out your skin tone, reduces the appearance of cellulite, and when the sun is shining, unless you’re Dita Von Teese, most clothes look better on skin with a bit of colour. That said, you don’t want to look like an old football at forty, so a sunless tan is ideal, and preferably one from a spray booth, because only Oompa Loompas were meant to be orange.
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